You Get What You Tolerate

pamelamillican9

Why that is a bad thing and 5 steps you can take to change it

When it comes to relationships, no matter who they are with, you will always get what you tolerate. Which means, if you constantly put up with mistreatment or poor behaviour from your partner, (or the relevant person expressing the poor behaviour and bad attitude) they will just continue with that way of acting and being. It can become a very vicious cycle and will only ever lead to sadness, hurt, unhappiness and eventually resentment in the relationship … the result of which may not be what you want.

When someone continually tolerates bad conduct and poor behaviour, it will often lead to you feeling worthlessness, unimportant and insecure. In that respect then, it becomes very important to know what you will and will not accept and to have effective boundaries in place. Without boundaries or any kind of consequence for poor/bad behaviour, the other person will feel like they can do whatever they please, say whatever they want and treat you disrespect as much as they want, without any repercussions. This then leads to a complete lack of regard for who you are and what you feel; this will then lead to a complete lack of faith and trust in the relationship/with the relevant person.

To break free from this cycle and step out of an unhappy situation you may find yourself in, the following 5 steps will get you started so you can take to change it:

1. Set boundaries and be clear about what you won’t tolerate

Explain to your partner, friend or person with the poor behaviour, that certain behaviours are no longer acceptable and will not be tolerated. Let them know that there will be consequences if they continue the behaviour (whether that’s ending the relationship or friendship etc) and stay firm on that. The best piece of advice I have ever received as a new mother was to never make a threat I was not prepared to keep. That advice served me well – especially with my children.

As a Life Coach and Mentor, Sunshine Coast I have created many FREE videos on my Youtube channel which you may find useful to help you with resetting your boundaries.

Youtube Channel Link:
https://www.youtube.com/@ResetWithPamela
MindFit Season 1:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5au9ErgAcicz8iS6ahpiraS4M01oGcEy
MindFit Season 2:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5au9ErgAciec4GwqSepP12ypisVahHQK

2. Something to think about: if you do not decide what you want and who you want to be in your life, then someone else will

To do then: establish a policy of complete transparency and trust where you can be honest about your feelings. Even if it feels impossible or difficult to do so. You must remember that your feelings and thoughts are just as important as anyone else’s so you must make sure you express how you feel when something isn’t right. Otherwise you are living a lie, as well as living the way someone else is deciding for you. Refuse to bottle up your emotions, no matter what the consequences are since this will only lead to resentment in the long run. And, on another note, if the person you are experiencing bad behaviour from/with really cares about you, they will want to listen and understand how you feel. They will also adjust their behaviour. If they do not, then you may want to ask yourself if that person is really that important to you. Are they really so important that you would compromise yourself, your values or even just the quality of your life?

3. Communicate openly and listen to each other without interruption and without judgement

This means actively listening, and not just waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can have your say! This also means that you both need to be empathetic and open to each other’s feelings as well as the differing points of view – especially if they are really quite different from your own. It does not matter either if you think what they are concerned or upset about is absolute nonsense, if that’s the way they feel, then that’s the way they feel. Meet them where they are and ask questions like ‘why’ do you feel that way; or ‘What’ if it doesn’t mean that, what else could it mean etc When we tell someone “you shouldn’t feel like that” we are actually invalidating their feelings.

4. Working together to find workable solutions for anything that comes up, is also very important

I always encourage my clients to be more concerned with finding a solution that benefits both people, than having to be right. Ask each other and yourself, would you or I rather be happy or right? I can tell you from experience most people concern themselves with being right and feel they need to defend their position. This then has more to do with pride than anything else and will never bring a solution that benefits both people…nor will it bring happiness. A brilliant quote I used to think about in these kinds of situations by Steven Covey in his book 7 Habits of highly effective people : Seek first to understand, then be understood. It’s a great philosophy.

5. Have respect for each other and the relationship

Respect is absolutely essential for any healthy relationship to work. I cannot stress enough about the importance of treating each other with kindness, consideration and love. Being treated the way you yourself would want to be treated; and to listen to each other without judgement or criticism. Respect also means not taking each other for granted or taking advantage of each other, as well as taking the time to acknowledge each other’s successes and achievements no matter how small those achievements or successes may be.

There is obviously a lot more we could add here but this is just to get you started so you can begin to break the cycle of existing in a relationship, ‘just getting what you tolerate’ instead of living together with respectful boundaries and consideration for each other. Taking these ideas and working with them will at least be a step in the right direction to creating a healthier and happier relationship. One that is based on love, kindness and mutual respect.

Let me know how you go
Your Coach and Mentor – Sunshine Coast
Pamela Millican